[ Satoru's breath escapes him, but at least that fear recedes. He recognizes it for something stupid, a knee-jerk defense against rejection. Letting go of it, he takes in what he's being told. Only about half of it makes any sense to him, but he still understands.
A quiet, fractured laugh spills from his lips. ] Yeah. That ... sounds more like us.
[ More like what he'd expected, when he'd come here. The way they fit together, he knew it was too good to be true. Too easy, too much like one of his fantasies. ]
I thought it was strange--even though I could tell you were broken and hurting, everything's been so easy between us since I arrived. Like all the old wounds were healed, like we were both okay with forgiving all the ways we've hurt each other. Leaving it in the past so we could be something new.
I knew it was too good to be true, even though I saw glimpses of some of the cost. I wanted it enough that I was willing to let myself believe the fantasy.
I get it now. [ Quiet, a little numb, but certain. ] These past few weeks haven't been easy just because we fit together so naturally. They've been easy because you made them easy. You turned all the edges in on yourself, and kept me from seeing the blood.
[ He steps forward, slow and careful, not wanting to spook him, and crowds Suguru against the wall again. Hands light on Suguru's hips. Gentle, but he won't let himself be pushed away. He tucks his face against the side of Suguru's hair. ] I'm here. I'm yours. I know we're broken, Suguru, but I'm still going to do my best. I know we don't know how to be good to each other. I'm going to try anyway.
( The fight flares in him, but it's corralled easy enough. He's put enough work in that he stays where he is, stays put, lets himself be touched. His exhale comes wet, shaky, whole body shuddering. )
I wanted to be what you needed. ( Not what he is. No matter the progress there is damage here that he cannot quite ever step away from. ) It's new for you so I wanted to be the one you could rely on. I haven't been pretending, Satoru.
( As always there is a desperation in him to find his way back. One day he might manage to settle into the space he carved as a teenager.
Two things-- [ Satoru says, and presses closer against him as Suguru shudders. He pins him against the wall with the whole of his body, letting Suguru feel the warmth, letting him feel the safety of being caught like this. ] No, three. Because the first one is that, as usual, you're an idiot.
The second one--I was going to say that you're not weak, but you are.
Thing is, so am I. Or you wouldn't have needed to protect me at all, like this. That's one of the things I've learned these past few weeks. These very intense past few weeks. Learning that I lost at least one critical battle. That I was trapped, maybe later killed? [ A theory, not yet a certainty, but he suspects it based off of what people do and don't say. ] What you said about me not failing, something Megumi said about strength ... Maybe it wasn't that I wasn't strong enough, because I was, but because no one, not even you, ever acknowledged that I was weak. Because I wasn't allowed to be weak.
So be weak, Suguru. Be weak with me.
Because, third, [ One hand lifts to cup the side of Suguru's head, to keep it tucked close against his own. ] I had a terribly romantic thought a few days ago. We both got a little hung up on this idea of strength and being equal. I realized just this past week that perhaps what is so much more important than an equal--so much more important than strength and weakness--
( He makes a noise. It is a wildly unhappy noise. It is almost hysterical. There are so many things he needs to respond to, to argue against, or to cover up. The need to micromanage, to deflect. They all claw at his throat. What happens instead is that he breathes out and then with a terrible finality -. )
I've loved you since we were children. I loved you when I left. I loved you in those ten years after. And I loved you when you killed me. ( The shake starts in his fingers. He lets them curl in Satoru's shirt fabric. ) I loved you here too, even if I thought that's not what you wanted. Even if I knew it wasn't good for you.
( Be weak with him. )
It frightens me sometimes. I keep trying to outmanoeuvre you so that it can't hurt. I keep trying to be cleverer than I am so we survive it. But I'm tired, Satoru. I'm tired of trying to be two steps ahead. Call me whatever you want, just --.
[ Satoru stays pressed close, keeps his weight pinning Suguru to the wall. He slides his hand farther, around Suguru's waist, hugging him close. He wants to twine their bodies close together, in hopes that he can somehow comfort Suguru if he holds him tightly enough.
He still feels flawed, still believes himself a copy of a copy, still feels at a loss for who to be without his purpose and goals from home. And his new goal of trying to be emotionally present for the people he cares about--becoming a hugger--feels like something he's impossibly ill-equipped to do. He feels as though he's no longer Gojo Satoru and incapable of being anything else.
But he's determined to try. ]
I'll stay. [ Gently, against Suguru's hair. ]
Come on. Bed. [ He gives that a moment to sink in before he tries to move them, finally easing up a little so he can draw Suguru away from the wall. He's not going to break contact, and he'll pick Suguru up if he has to in order to manhandle him back to bed so that they can cuddle. ]
( No manhandling necessary when all he wants is to sink down into the sheets and cease to be a person for a little while. It's a miracle he pauses enough to pull the covers back, or to shuck off his slippers. Suguru doesn't speak, he merely burrows deeper into the mattress, reaching a hand out to snake around Satoru's wrist and tug him down too. In the end they end up laying facing each other, a clumsy hand bringing the sheet back up to cover them and block out the light. He shifts closer, head tipped down but sharing the same pillow, breathing too loud. )
I'm sorry.
( Quieter than his exhale, somehow. ) For everything I did to you that you can remember, and for the things you can't too. I'm sorry you told me you loved me and I ruined it. I'm really not all that put-together, Satoru, I just try very hard to make sure no one notices. But you've always been the one who can see past that pretence. It's why I stayed away. And I thought about it here, but I'm greedy too.
( A hand reaches out, spider like to curl back in his shirt, knuckles white like a frightened child. )
[ Satoru gets settled with him, twining their legs together so that they're as close as he can get them. One hand tucks under Suguru's cheek, pillowing it, so his thumb can drift along the skin under his eye. ] You didn't ruin it, actually. Like, sure, that moment where I thought I'd gotten it wrong and you didn't love me, that sucked. But otherwise ... this pretty much went how I wanted and expected.
[ He gives that a moment to sink in. His other hand slips up under Suguru's shirt, pressing flat between his shoulder blades, holding him close. ] Think about it. Like what you said, about how you'd like to pretend you'd want a grand gesture, but actually that's not right for you.
When I decided to confess--you know, like, ten minutes ago--I considered taking you somewhere romantic. It'd be easy to come up with some excuse to go out, to bully you into getting dressed. Teleport us somewhere. I was thinking Mount Fuji. Under the stars? It'd be cold, but I'd keep you warm.
I chose this, Suguru. With you messy and unwashed. My depression princess. I was pretty sure that you needed comfort more than grand gestures. When I confessed like that, I knew to immediately let go and step back. I was almost certain you'd need to panic.
You didn't ruin it. I want you as you are. Depressive and unhinged and broken. [ Satoru nuzzles their foreheads together. ] I'm broken, too.
( He snorts, it's some kind of life creeping back in. )
'Depression princess'? ( No heat, no real unhappiness. If he wishes he were better then that's on him, Satoru isn't asking anything more for him. ) I'm not saying no to romance. It's just unexpected. We didn't do any of that before. Mostly we beat each other up for fun.
( And fucked.
He shifts, breath ghosting over Satoru's skin. ) I want to try for you. I want to be good for you too. I know we have a lot to work through. But I want that. It just sometimes gets a little -. Overwhelming. Not you. What it means to me.
Oh, you're getting romance. [ The smirk is audible in his voice. ] Brace yourself. You're going to be SO romanced, loser. I probably won't be good at it, but whatever. It's us. We'll figure things out our own way.
[ His body relaxes, soothed by the warmth of Suguru against him, the scent of Suguru all around him. ]
It's okay if you get overwhelmed. I'll probably be too clingy sometimes when you're overwhelmed and needing space, but ... [ He shrugs. ] We'll figure it out. As long as we're together.
[ He kisses Suguru's hair, whispers against it. ] I won't let you go. You're mine.
( He laughs. It's still a little strained, but they're getting there. )
Well, it's not like I've seen a lot of it. Maybe I'll be impressed either way. ( Obviously there have been attempts to court him. He's a very pretty man in a reasonable position of power. The followers definitely liked to try. But he never saw it as anything and so it just didn't count. His hand loosens, flattens before it loops around Satoru's waist, palm splaying at his spine. ) At least that possessive streak hasn't changed.
( Maybe that's a universal truth. )
Do you know the boys only thought we were dating because you have a biting issue I can't be bothered to heal? ( Voice conversational, an attempt at light. ) Megumi saw.
[ Satoru makes a sound somewhere between a sigh and a whimper at the hand on his spine, grateful for the way it makes him feel both safe and claimed.
A laugh bursts out of him at this little factoid. ] 'Can't be bothered', huh? Is that so? I bet you love being covered in my bite marks.
[ He nuzzles at Suguru's hair with another contented sound. ] You can be possessive, too. Whatever this 'reputation' of mine was, I'll clear it up. I'm only yours.
You can put a collar on me with a tag that says 'Property of Geto Suguru'. [ He's teasing. ]
He just also likes being as contrary as possible. )
Like a piranha. ( He'd press his fingers to them sometimes. He's just glad he'd never been caught. ) A collar, huh?
( His hand moves, small soothing circles. It's another inkling that the dynamic has changed. Not only does this version of his old friend come to him for more comfort than the last, but the idea that he might have been encouraged to be possessive before was laughable. )
If it helps we never talked about it. And I don't think there was anyone else after we started sharing a bed.
[ Satoru melts into the touch, thoughts scattering. It feels so good, being held like this, touched like this. He's never had anything like this intimacy before. Even though he'd always invaded Suguru's personal space in their teens, they'd always been so careful to keep a certain measure of plausible deniability, keeping up a pretense even to themselves that they were just friends.
When Satoru had taken lovers, later, he'd always kept emotional distance. Nothing had ended his little affairs quicker than someone trying to make things serious, trying to angle for something romantic. ]
So are we boyfriends now? [ His voice is light, teasing, and he almost manages to hide the slight keening note that threatens to spill out as a whine or a moan. It curls around the words, vibrating under them, only barely contained as Suguru keeps petting him. ] Going steady? [ He laughs. There's definitely not a slightly hysterical note to it. ]
He can sense the need to retreat rise. He's too old, and too damaged. He smothers it out like a light, the shoulder not pressed to the mattress shrugging. )
Sure.
( When the laughter comes it bubbles out of him, a sudden burst of noise as the bed shakes. It feels like a bloodletting. It feels ridiculous. )
[ Suguru's laughter amplifies Satoru's laughter in response, easing that quavering note into something simpler and purer. Laughing at themselves, at each other, their usual playful absurdity just for being in each other's presence. ]
So gross. [ Immature giggling, face pressed against Suguru's hair. ] Romance and all? I'm gonna barf.
[ Helpless laughter, little bubbling spurts of it, with only occasional hitches and gasps in between--tiny microspasms of hyperventilation, a shadow of something like sobbing.
They'll figure it out. As long as they're together, Satoru believes that they can achieve anything. ]
( His voice has gone into a teasing purr, but there's genuine curiosity there too. He doesn't know how to do romance from this angle either. His love language continues to be acts of service. )
[ Satoru blinks at this suggestion. He genuinely never considered receiving flowers.
Then he laughs and shakes his head. ] No, they'd die. And I really don't think I care. I don't want that kinda stuff.
I just want you to pay attention to me and spoil me the way you already do. [ Suguru already does so much to care for him, and Satoru basks in it. ] Plus kissing.
... And sex. [ He feels strangely awkward for saying it, even though they're not virgins and Suguru has already said they were fucking. Still, he somehow feels like a blushing teenager as he says it, like it's something scandalous. ]
( It's a little wry, amused though. Sex had been their primary mode of communication. He doesn't think that much has changed. ) No flowers, but everything I've been doing. I think I can handle that.
[ He shifts a little, lifting Suguru's chin to meet his eyes, and he smiles warm and happy at his beloved. ]
I was telling Yuji just a couple days ago that I am happy here. Happier than I've been in a long, long time.
And that was before the love of my life agreed to date me. [ Grinning, Satoru holds Suguru's gaze for a moment longer, enjoying the sight of his handsome face, and then he leans in to kiss him. ]
( His instinctive shut up is cut off by Satoru's lips. That's all right really, he doesn't mind simply kissing him back. It's a softer kiss than he's used to, and one that ignites a deep warmth in his chest. It's nice, it feels sweet. He wants more of it. So he lets his hand move to curl into snow-white locks, fingers burying themselves there. It's merely an anchoring point for something unhurried though when they part he does twitch his face into a scowl. )
What protests? [ Satoru gives him a genuinely bewildered look. The grumbling and scowls are normal, but he didn't think there were actual protests involved. ] That I'm happy we're dating? That you're the love of my life?
Because if you need to be convinced of those things with thorough data and arguments, I can be more effusive. I could make charts, do you want charts? [ He intends to continue talking shit and will soon start going into that data and details. If only there were a way to shut him up. ]
[ Satoru makes a happy sound into the kiss, returning it blissfully. When Suguru breaks the kiss, Satoru watches him with shameless adoration, eyes going half-lidded while Suguru pets his hair. ]
I'd rather you ate me. [ A lascivious eyebrow-waggle, though it's half-hearted before he allows himself to melt back into the petting. ]
You'd better believe me. I'm prepared to get real embarrassing if you ever doubt it.
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A quiet, fractured laugh spills from his lips. ] Yeah. That ... sounds more like us.
[ More like what he'd expected, when he'd come here. The way they fit together, he knew it was too good to be true. Too easy, too much like one of his fantasies. ]
I thought it was strange--even though I could tell you were broken and hurting, everything's been so easy between us since I arrived. Like all the old wounds were healed, like we were both okay with forgiving all the ways we've hurt each other. Leaving it in the past so we could be something new.
I knew it was too good to be true, even though I saw glimpses of some of the cost. I wanted it enough that I was willing to let myself believe the fantasy.
I get it now. [ Quiet, a little numb, but certain. ] These past few weeks haven't been easy just because we fit together so naturally. They've been easy because you made them easy. You turned all the edges in on yourself, and kept me from seeing the blood.
[ He steps forward, slow and careful, not wanting to spook him, and crowds Suguru against the wall again. Hands light on Suguru's hips. Gentle, but he won't let himself be pushed away. He tucks his face against the side of Suguru's hair. ] I'm here. I'm yours. I know we're broken, Suguru, but I'm still going to do my best. I know we don't know how to be good to each other. I'm going to try anyway.
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I wanted to be what you needed. ( Not what he is. No matter the progress there is damage here that he cannot quite ever step away from. ) It's new for you so I wanted to be the one you could rely on. I haven't been pretending, Satoru.
( As always there is a desperation in him to find his way back. One day he might manage to settle into the space he carved as a teenager.
One day, if the world stops devastating them. )
I'm not so weak that I can't protect you too.
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The second one--I was going to say that you're not weak, but you are.
Thing is, so am I. Or you wouldn't have needed to protect me at all, like this. That's one of the things I've learned these past few weeks. These very intense past few weeks. Learning that I lost at least one critical battle. That I was trapped, maybe later killed? [ A theory, not yet a certainty, but he suspects it based off of what people do and don't say. ] What you said about me not failing, something Megumi said about strength ... Maybe it wasn't that I wasn't strong enough, because I was, but because no one, not even you, ever acknowledged that I was weak. Because I wasn't allowed to be weak.
So be weak, Suguru. Be weak with me.
Because, third, [ One hand lifts to cup the side of Suguru's head, to keep it tucked close against his own. ] I had a terribly romantic thought a few days ago. We both got a little hung up on this idea of strength and being equal. I realized just this past week that perhaps what is so much more important than an equal--so much more important than strength and weakness--
Is a partner.
And you were always that, for me.
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I've loved you since we were children. I loved you when I left. I loved you in those ten years after. And I loved you when you killed me. ( The shake starts in his fingers. He lets them curl in Satoru's shirt fabric. ) I loved you here too, even if I thought that's not what you wanted. Even if I knew it wasn't good for you.
( Be weak with him. )
It frightens me sometimes. I keep trying to outmanoeuvre you so that it can't hurt. I keep trying to be cleverer than I am so we survive it. But I'm tired, Satoru. I'm tired of trying to be two steps ahead. Call me whatever you want, just --.
( A pause. )
Just stay, okay?
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He still feels flawed, still believes himself a copy of a copy, still feels at a loss for who to be without his purpose and goals from home. And his new goal of trying to be emotionally present for the people he cares about--becoming a hugger--feels like something he's impossibly ill-equipped to do. He feels as though he's no longer Gojo Satoru and incapable of being anything else.
But he's determined to try. ]
I'll stay. [ Gently, against Suguru's hair. ]
Come on. Bed. [ He gives that a moment to sink in before he tries to move them, finally easing up a little so he can draw Suguru away from the wall. He's not going to break contact, and he'll pick Suguru up if he has to in order to manhandle him back to bed so that they can cuddle. ]
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I'm sorry.
( Quieter than his exhale, somehow. ) For everything I did to you that you can remember, and for the things you can't too. I'm sorry you told me you loved me and I ruined it. I'm really not all that put-together, Satoru, I just try very hard to make sure no one notices. But you've always been the one who can see past that pretence. It's why I stayed away. And I thought about it here, but I'm greedy too.
( A hand reaches out, spider like to curl back in his shirt, knuckles white like a frightened child. )
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[ He gives that a moment to sink in. His other hand slips up under Suguru's shirt, pressing flat between his shoulder blades, holding him close. ] Think about it. Like what you said, about how you'd like to pretend you'd want a grand gesture, but actually that's not right for you.
When I decided to confess--you know, like, ten minutes ago--I considered taking you somewhere romantic. It'd be easy to come up with some excuse to go out, to bully you into getting dressed. Teleport us somewhere. I was thinking Mount Fuji. Under the stars? It'd be cold, but I'd keep you warm.
I chose this, Suguru. With you messy and unwashed. My depression princess. I was pretty sure that you needed comfort more than grand gestures. When I confessed like that, I knew to immediately let go and step back. I was almost certain you'd need to panic.
You didn't ruin it. I want you as you are. Depressive and unhinged and broken. [ Satoru nuzzles their foreheads together. ] I'm broken, too.
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'Depression princess'? ( No heat, no real unhappiness. If he wishes he were better then that's on him, Satoru isn't asking anything more for him. ) I'm not saying no to romance. It's just unexpected. We didn't do any of that before. Mostly we beat each other up for fun.
( And fucked.
He shifts, breath ghosting over Satoru's skin. ) I want to try for you. I want to be good for you too. I know we have a lot to work through. But I want that. It just sometimes gets a little -. Overwhelming. Not you. What it means to me.
( Like a cat with its fur rubbed the wrong way. )
I really was happy when you came back.
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[ His body relaxes, soothed by the warmth of Suguru against him, the scent of Suguru all around him. ]
It's okay if you get overwhelmed. I'll probably be too clingy sometimes when you're overwhelmed and needing space, but ... [ He shrugs. ] We'll figure it out. As long as we're together.
[ He kisses Suguru's hair, whispers against it. ] I won't let you go. You're mine.
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Well, it's not like I've seen a lot of it. Maybe I'll be impressed either way. ( Obviously there have been attempts to court him. He's a very pretty man in a reasonable position of power. The followers definitely liked to try. But he never saw it as anything and so it just didn't count. His hand loosens, flattens before it loops around Satoru's waist, palm splaying at his spine. ) At least that possessive streak hasn't changed.
( Maybe that's a universal truth. )
Do you know the boys only thought we were dating because you have a biting issue I can't be bothered to heal? ( Voice conversational, an attempt at light. ) Megumi saw.
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A laugh bursts out of him at this little factoid. ] 'Can't be bothered', huh? Is that so? I bet you love being covered in my bite marks.
[ He nuzzles at Suguru's hair with another contented sound. ] You can be possessive, too. Whatever this 'reputation' of mine was, I'll clear it up. I'm only yours.
You can put a collar on me with a tag that says 'Property of Geto Suguru'. [ He's teasing. ]
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He just also likes being as contrary as possible. )
Like a piranha. ( He'd press his fingers to them sometimes. He's just glad he'd never been caught. ) A collar, huh?
( His hand moves, small soothing circles. It's another inkling that the dynamic has changed. Not only does this version of his old friend come to him for more comfort than the last, but the idea that he might have been encouraged to be possessive before was laughable. )
If it helps we never talked about it. And I don't think there was anyone else after we started sharing a bed.
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When Satoru had taken lovers, later, he'd always kept emotional distance. Nothing had ended his little affairs quicker than someone trying to make things serious, trying to angle for something romantic. ]
So are we boyfriends now? [ His voice is light, teasing, and he almost manages to hide the slight keening note that threatens to spill out as a whine or a moan. It curls around the words, vibrating under them, only barely contained as Suguru keeps petting him. ] Going steady? [ He laughs. There's definitely not a slightly hysterical note to it. ]
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He can sense the need to retreat rise. He's too old, and too damaged. He smothers it out like a light, the shoulder not pressed to the mattress shrugging. )
Sure.
( When the laughter comes it bubbles out of him, a sudden burst of noise as the bed shakes. It feels like a bloodletting. It feels ridiculous. )
Boyfriends. Disgusting.
( He's happy. He can be both things at once. )
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So gross. [ Immature giggling, face pressed against Suguru's hair. ] Romance and all? I'm gonna barf.
[ Helpless laughter, little bubbling spurts of it, with only occasional hitches and gasps in between--tiny microspasms of hyperventilation, a shadow of something like sobbing.
They'll figure it out. As long as they're together, Satoru believes that they can achieve anything. ]
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( His voice has gone into a teasing purr, but there's genuine curiosity there too. He doesn't know how to do romance from this angle either. His love language continues to be acts of service. )
Would you remember to keep them alive?
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Then he laughs and shakes his head. ] No, they'd die. And I really don't think I care. I don't want that kinda stuff.
I just want you to pay attention to me and spoil me the way you already do. [ Suguru already does so much to care for him, and Satoru basks in it. ] Plus kissing.
... And sex. [ He feels strangely awkward for saying it, even though they're not virgins and Suguru has already said they were fucking. Still, he somehow feels like a blushing teenager as he says it, like it's something scandalous. ]
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Colour me surprised.
( It's a little wry, amused though. Sex had been their primary mode of communication. He doesn't think that much has changed. ) No flowers, but everything I've been doing. I think I can handle that.
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[ He sighs out a deep breath, letting go of a little more long-held tension. ] It’s strange, how much better I feel, knowing that we were a mess.
It was bothering me, the feeling that this was too good to be true. Like I was waiting for a trap to spring.
Now it feels right. Like we’re broken, but at least we’re broken together.
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( Quietly. )
I want you to have peace here Satoru. I want you to be happy.
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[ He shifts a little, lifting Suguru's chin to meet his eyes, and he smiles warm and happy at his beloved. ]
I was telling Yuji just a couple days ago that I am happy here. Happier than I've been in a long, long time.
And that was before the love of my life agreed to date me. [ Grinning, Satoru holds Suguru's gaze for a moment longer, enjoying the sight of his handsome face, and then he leans in to kiss him. ]
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You can't cut off all my protests like that.
( Yes, he can. )
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Because if you need to be convinced of those things with thorough data and arguments, I can be more effusive. I could make charts, do you want charts? [ He intends to continue talking shit and will soon start going into that data and details. If only there were a way to shut him up. ]
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No charts. If I even see a hint of a chart I'm going to make the bird eat you.
( An idle threat, he goes back to carding his hand through Satoru's hair, semi-indulgent. )
I believe you anyway. You don't need to convince me.
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I'd rather you ate me. [ A lascivious eyebrow-waggle, though it's half-hearted before he allows himself to melt back into the petting. ]
You'd better believe me. I'm prepared to get real embarrassing if you ever doubt it.
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