I would get angry at Satoru. ( Maybe a non sequitur, maybe not. He thinks Yuji needs to hear it anyway. ) For not being there. For being on missions. For going somewhere I couldn't follow. It felt like I was drowning and each time he left the water got higher. I didn't even know, back then, what it was I was feeling. Or how to combat it. It festered. It wasn't his fault. But it was hard to ask for things. It still is. I understand that part.
( He offers up a small smile. )
And your emotions don't necessarily have to make sense. Sometimes it's not the root cause that gets you. You've grown up too quicker. That's usually the fate of a jujutsu sorcerer, but for you it's been far more, far faster. Nanami cares about you though, I'm sure he'd listen to you.
It's exactly like that. The weight of emotions, smothering him. He tries to fight against the tidal wave of it, pushing and fighting back, but more and more of it comes and then...
The more he learns about Geto, the more alike they are, and he's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. He thinks back to his friendships, to the fight with Sukuna, and he thinks It'll be lonely without you, Fushiguro, and he understands completely. Just because you're strong doesn't mean you have to do it alone, right?
Right?
Shaking his head, he laughs through his tears. ]
I'm not going to make Nanami feel bad on his birthday, Geto-san. He's already taken care of me enough.
[ The way Yuji feels towards him now is definitely adjacent to how he feels to Nanami, to Gojo, on a growing level. He's not really capable of admitting that, though, and he kicks his foot into the ground below him, frowning.
( He takes his own swing again, gaze tipped up to the sky. )
I don't mind it, just so you know. If you need to just talk whenever you're feeling like it's too much. It's not a problem. I would prefer you to, in fact. It's an awful thing to go through alone.
( Finally he pushes himself back far enough, letting his feet lift off the tarmac so the swing carries him. It's childish, lacking in any grace. He's just doing it for the sake of it. )
You're not keeping me from anything, bar finishing my game, and possibly being very, very bored.
Pulls him up short. The chain on his swing clanks, Geto letting gravity twist him about for a second. )
It's not an inevitable path. Feel enough pain, become ungovernable. But it is part of it. The last drop in an overflowing cup. I was tired, and I didn't have anyone to pull me out. The people who noticed were struggling themselves, and you know what it's like. The school doesn't care as long as you can keep going. I wanted all of those feelings to stop, I didn't see another way.
( A tuneless, toneless hum. )
I wouldn't advise it. More hassle than it's worth.
The school never cared about me to begin with. I was destined to die the moment I joined.
[ Yuji frowns, rocking on his swing absently. ]
I guess... I understand why you might feel that way. Why you would be so angry and disappointed in everything. I wouldn't ever do that kind of thing myself, though, I... I made a promise. I promised my grandpa, and I promised Megumi, and I guess I kind of promised myself, too.
( He laughs, and it's not as cruel as it could be. He thinks Yuji deserves the truth from him. No smoke and mirrors. )
Sometimes I think I should have just left. After our mission with the Star Plasma Vessel. It had already started by then, I was already grieving. I watched a girl get shot in the head, and the assassin told me Satoru was dead, and I thought, why? What was the point? Even though he survived, he could have been taken from me any moment after. The way I severed the ties that I did, it was to outrun that pain. It's why I badger the rest of you so often about relying on your friends. I've done the bloodletting, it doesn't work.
( Back to swinging. )
And it doesn't excuse anything. My violence still exists.
I thought that too. After Nanamin and Kugisaki, I thought...
[ He frowns, fingers playing idly with the chain. ]
I was a murderer. I was just like Mahito, with a role to just kill curses, over and over again. To keep fighting until there were none left, and I would have, too. I wanted to remove them all and not let there be any others, to protect the people I love more than anything. I think if I didn't have Todo in Shibuya, I would have given up.
[ He frowns as he looks over at Geto, his head tilted. ]
I'm not here to forgive you, whatever you did. I wasn't even a sorcerer then, so that's not my right.
I'm not asking for it. Forgiveness is for other people, and I don't believe the things that I did were unjustifiable. Even given a second chance, I'd probably go the same way.
( He shrugs his shoulders, a rare idleness for the conversation. )
But no one else has to. It's my weight. I wouldn't want it for anyone else. And while we're more alike than either of us would like, I think, I have hope for you.
[ Yuji doesn't think Geto would do the same thing now, but that's because he has people looking out for him. He himself would intervene and do his best to help him, no matter what. ]
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[ He laughs a little, tears in his eyes. ]
It's so stupid. We had this big fight over Nanami's birthday, and he wouldn't even want me to celebrate it anyway. I was just so... Tired.
[ Tilting his head, he watches Geto, quiet for a moment. ]
I can talk to people, but... It's a lot, isn't it?
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( He offers up a small smile. )
And your emotions don't necessarily have to make sense. Sometimes it's not the root cause that gets you. You've grown up too quicker. That's usually the fate of a jujutsu sorcerer, but for you it's been far more, far faster. Nanami cares about you though, I'm sure he'd listen to you.
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It's exactly like that. The weight of emotions, smothering him. He tries to fight against the tidal wave of it, pushing and fighting back, but more and more of it comes and then...
The more he learns about Geto, the more alike they are, and he's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. He thinks back to his friendships, to the fight with Sukuna, and he thinks It'll be lonely without you, Fushiguro, and he understands completely. Just because you're strong doesn't mean you have to do it alone, right?
Right?
Shaking his head, he laughs through his tears. ]
I'm not going to make Nanami feel bad on his birthday, Geto-san. He's already taken care of me enough.
[ Not "Nanamin", huh. ]
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( Another hum, he rises to a stand, knees cracking. Oh no, almost thirty. )
Also, I'm notoriously unemployed and a ruthless villain, so if you do need someone to talk to, I'm not going to balk at any of it.
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[ The way Yuji feels towards him now is definitely adjacent to how he feels to Nanami, to Gojo, on a growing level. He's not really capable of admitting that, though, and he kicks his foot into the ground below him, frowning.
He doesn't want to talk to Nanami. No way. ]
What do I do...? If it feels this bad again?
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( As easy as anything. )
We'll do something. We can talk. We can not talk. You can hold all of my questionable groceries for me.
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[ As if it's that easy. Come to Geto, and they'll figure it out. It's almost silly, and he shakes his head. ]
I could carry you and the groceries, Geto-san.
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( He takes his own swing again, gaze tipped up to the sky. )
I don't mind it, just so you know. If you need to just talk whenever you're feeling like it's too much. It's not a problem. I would prefer you to, in fact. It's an awful thing to go through alone.
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[ Hit the nail on the head with that one, huh. ]
It's a lot of bad things. My head feels like it's a mess... Choso says I have nightmares, too, but I don't remember them.
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( Still mild, not forcing the issue either way. )
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[ Yuji shifts, uncomfortable. ]
I didn't want to.
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You don't have to. It might help, but I understand not wanting to. It's a complicated thing, growing.
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[ Even if LILITH knows about their world. ]
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( They'd probably lose it themselves though. )
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[ The poor person would never catch a break. ]
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( Letting his swing spin a little. )
Is there anything else you want to talk about? Since we're on the topic.
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[ It already feels like he's said a lot, even if he hasn't, really. ]
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( Finally he pushes himself back far enough, letting his feet lift off the tarmac so the swing carries him. It's childish, lacking in any grace. He's just doing it for the sake of it. )
You're not keeping me from anything, bar finishing my game, and possibly being very, very bored.
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[ Yuji laughs softly. ]
Are all those feelings... That's why you became a curse user?
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Pulls him up short. The chain on his swing clanks, Geto letting gravity twist him about for a second. )
It's not an inevitable path. Feel enough pain, become ungovernable. But it is part of it. The last drop in an overflowing cup. I was tired, and I didn't have anyone to pull me out. The people who noticed were struggling themselves, and you know what it's like. The school doesn't care as long as you can keep going. I wanted all of those feelings to stop, I didn't see another way.
( A tuneless, toneless hum. )
I wouldn't advise it. More hassle than it's worth.
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[ Yuji frowns, rocking on his swing absently. ]
I guess... I understand why you might feel that way. Why you would be so angry and disappointed in everything. I wouldn't ever do that kind of thing myself, though, I... I made a promise. I promised my grandpa, and I promised Megumi, and I guess I kind of promised myself, too.
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( He laughs, and it's not as cruel as it could be. He thinks Yuji deserves the truth from him. No smoke and mirrors. )
Sometimes I think I should have just left. After our mission with the Star Plasma Vessel. It had already started by then, I was already grieving. I watched a girl get shot in the head, and the assassin told me Satoru was dead, and I thought, why? What was the point? Even though he survived, he could have been taken from me any moment after. The way I severed the ties that I did, it was to outrun that pain. It's why I badger the rest of you so often about relying on your friends. I've done the bloodletting, it doesn't work.
( Back to swinging. )
And it doesn't excuse anything. My violence still exists.
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[ He frowns, fingers playing idly with the chain. ]
I was a murderer. I was just like Mahito, with a role to just kill curses, over and over again. To keep fighting until there were none left, and I would have, too. I wanted to remove them all and not let there be any others, to protect the people I love more than anything. I think if I didn't have Todo in Shibuya, I would have given up.
[ He frowns as he looks over at Geto, his head tilted. ]
I'm not here to forgive you, whatever you did. I wasn't even a sorcerer then, so that's not my right.
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( He shrugs his shoulders, a rare idleness for the conversation. )
But no one else has to. It's my weight. I wouldn't want it for anyone else. And while we're more alike than either of us would like, I think, I have hope for you.
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[ Yuji doesn't think Geto would do the same thing now, but that's because he has people looking out for him. He himself would intervene and do his best to help him, no matter what. ]
Ah... I have my own weights, too, though.
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