suguru what job did they give you megumi only just told me that the cover story job is like an actual job so i guess i'm a part time astrophysicist now???? at least it's something cool
And I told you, I don't have one. I didn't listen when LILITH gave me that portion of the welcome, and it's been eighteen months, I've probably been fired.
You could still be a model if that's what you want. Nobody can force you to take the job. They didn't force you the last time, you just didn't go anywhere.
And I don't really think I want people touching me.
( He's better with non-shamans these days. He doesn't sneer, he doesn't balk. But he still avoids them for the most part. )
I thought about doing odd jobs for someone. ( Silco, crimes. ) But nothing concrete.
[ Satoru just wants him to not be lurking depressed in his room. He's noticed there seems to be a fair amount of depressed lurking. They can go fight together sometimes and Satoru can hang around with him a lot, but beyond that he thinks Suguru needs a hobby or a purpose.
No amount of telling himself not to be jealous has prepared him for the very real fact that he is. )
I suppose if it were me - ( Vicious, vicious displeasure. ) - I'd try to find a way to connect with the person first. All of that stuff doesn't work if there's not a mutual understanding.
'Last time you gave me a chicken nugget because I whined too much and then I kissed you.'
He deletes it again. )
I like to pretend I'd want it to be grand. But I don't think that's really me either. I don't know. That's not really important. You're not too much. If anyone tells you that you are you're wrong. You're exactly as you should be.
[ His heart aches with affection and gratitude at Suguru's assertion that he's good just the way he is. It feels almost like a confession, like that.
Things have been different between them since he got here, and yet they're also somehow the same as they used to be. Satoru's had years to come to terms with his own feelings, and he's strongly suspected since he got here that those feelings are reciprocated.
They kissed. Suguru's jealous. The evidence seems pretty clear.
Have you tried being vocal about it?
He heads down the hall and taps at Suguru's door, leaning against the frame. Even though he could perfectly well let himself in, he wants to make Suguru get up. He wants to make sure Suguru sets aside anything else he's doing or working on, at least for a moment, and making him answer the door seems like the easiest way to ensure that. ]
( He can feel Satoru on the other side of the door. A part of Suguru wants to be childish, bury his head under his pillows and ignore him. Another part, the new-yet-not-new nurturing part makes him drag himself up. He'd not been doing anything really, that much is obvious when he answers the door, hair half up in sweatpants and a t-shirt that doesn't quite fit, cup of cooling tea by his nightstand and the sheets in fitful disarray.
Still, he stands aside, lets Satoru in. )
Are you here to shout at me for being sincere without warning?
( A small smile. )
Or am I being enlisted? I don't know what flowers are nice.
[ Satoru steps into the room, waiting only just until the door closes behind him. Then he grabs Suguru with a hand on his chest, just below his throat, and shoves him up against the nearest wall. Crowding into his space, Satoru braces his other hand against the wall by Suguru's head, radiating playful threat for a moment before he leans in and whispers in Suguru's ear. ]
I'm in love with you.
[ Then he lets go and takes a step back to give Suguru space, expecting him to need to process that. Whatever's going on between them, Suguru's seemed convinced that Satoru doesn't mean it, somehow. He's kept up this careful space between them and Satoru's been trying to respect that, to be satisfied with what he's getting. What they have now is more than Satoru had ever hoped he'd get to have again, and Satoru hasn't wanted to take any chance that might risk it.
But he doesn't know how to proceed beyond this, and his plan for little romantic gestures hasn't led to any ideas or action items he can work with. So he'll just go ahead and take the advice he has gotten. Megumi and Yuji telling him to be careful but honest. Suguru telling him to be vocal and establish mutual understanding.
( The shove isn't new, he goes with it without thinking, mouth open to offer up some ridiculous quip or retort. Whatever he hopes for dies on his tongue. For a moment his expression is vast and empty, then something flickers in it. A hunger, a raw touched nerve, something pained. It gets shoved aside almost too quickly, the part of Suguru that needs to compartmentalise when he's wrong footed taking control. It's one of his usual blank masks, but there's no viciousness inside of it. This time Satoru will probably see it for what it is - the mad scramble to safety. )
Ha.
( A hand lifts, covers his mouth. Eyes slit, watchful. Like this is a fight. Then they slide away, pick a space on the wall. He breathes in deep through his nose, exhales via his mouth. )
You're so different. ( It isn't a criticism, he sounds confused more than anything else. ) I thought you and I were alike, but you feel things so brightly now. I don't know what to do with that.
( It isn't like he'd had to bury his feelings. He'd understood the role he was playing and welcomed it. But now the board has been thrown into the air. He's been so good with giving the others kind advice but now the shoe is firmly on his foot he can't quite bring himself to take it. He thinks he might be panicking, a little bit. )
[ Satoru tips his head to the side as he takes this in, trying to understand, trying to read cues from Suguru's behavior in order to know how he should act. He's always taken social cues from Suguru. For all Satoru's charm and his ability to weaponize his force of personality to get his way, he's never known how to behave like a normal person, never known how to handle social situations. But Suguru was always so good at those things, so Satoru just learned to follow his lead anytime Satoru was unsure or a situation needed subtle handling and persuasion (instead of Satoru's bombastic attention-grabbing approach to things).
Now, Satoru's unsure and Suguru's guarded, so all Satoru knows is what everyone's been telling him: to be careful. Suguru's fragile, and there are scars that Satoru doesn't know about.
You feel things so brightly now. Didn't he always? Satoru's always had emotions that have overwhelmed him. His feelings have always been loud and he expresses himself too intensely.
He can only extrapolate from the way that the boys shine less brightly now. They're all hurting and emotionally scarred, weighed down with new trauma. Satoru himself must be similar, having lost some of that brightness. He'd thought he'd already lost most of it from the trauma he has lived through. It's horrifying to get proof after proof that he has so much more to lose. ]
I've been trying to ease you into the idea. [ Satoru keeps his distance, still allowing Suguru that space so he can breathe and panic. ] I had years to figure out my own emotions, and then when the two of us have ... fit together again so naturally, despite everything. It's so close to everything I've wanted, and I've been pretty sure ... the way you react to me. Your little flares of jealousy. Not half as subtle as you think you are. [ Satoru's handicapped by how he struggles to read emotions, but it's balanced by how well he knows Suguru. ]
And the boys tipped me off. Apparently they've been suspicious that you and I are together.
All that made me pretty sure that you're mine. But you've been defensive and cagey--even for you.
And things are ... messy between us. I know. [ I put you down like a dog in that alleyway. ] I don't expect anything to be easy.
But I'm yours. [ He shrugs. Waits for Suguru to continue processing all this. ]
( He starts, stops, jaw working as he drills a hole in the wall with his eyes and tries to think of the best way to proceed. )
We weren't together. Not like that. ( How to explain the distinction? They were best friends first. They'd had to work at it, it was still rocky. Sometimes he'd felt like he was bleeding out with the desperation to keep Satoru at his side, terrified he'd lose it all again. He'd been teased about it.
He'd been teased about a lot of things. )
We were sleeping together.
( The dread goes tight. He wants a cigarette. He wants a drink. He wants to go to sleep and ignore everything else. )
I didn't want to tell you because I felt like it's changed, somehow. You're softer. I'm not saying that as any criticism, Satoru, I just didn't want to hurt you and I didn't want to give you the wrong idea. You're my best friend.
[ Satoru turns the pieces in his head, taking in this new information and processing it. At first he thinks this is all good news. He was right. Suguru wants him. They're meant to be.
Except that something's wrong.
Except that Suguru's saying all this like he's trying to let him down easy.
I didn't want to give you the wrong idea.
A new horrifying possibility rimes frost around his heart and his eyes widen with alarm. He takes a step back, shoulders tightening as he braces himself. ]
Wait--are you not in love with me?
Am I being fucking friendzoned?
[ He doesn't know how to cope with this. A rejection like this is so far out of what he's capable of processing. He is Gojo Satoru. He's the one who's supposed to reject other people. ]
( His head snaps around so fast he almost cracks something. There is a brief moment where he even seems a little outraged, pale face flaring with strange fury, eyes too wide. )
Shut up.
( It's not the deadly tone of a world renowned curse user. It's boyish, tight and unhappy. ) It almost ruined me, coming back here to find out you were gone. I only kept going because someone's had to protect your legacy, so how can you - ?
( He raises his eyes away, fingers flexing at his side. )
I'm trying to explain. So you don't think it was something else. I'm trying to tell you that we were a mess. That all we had room for was that. That I took anything I was given because I didn't deserve to -.
( He falters again, unhappy. And then, like an exorcising. )
I asked you to kill me four months ago. I was trying to force your hand. I threatened to kill everybody here. And then I slept in your bed every night after because I thought I'd broken you. It's sweet that the children believe in us, Satoru, but we didn't know how to be good to each other.
[ Satoru's breath escapes him, but at least that fear recedes. He recognizes it for something stupid, a knee-jerk defense against rejection. Letting go of it, he takes in what he's being told. Only about half of it makes any sense to him, but he still understands.
A quiet, fractured laugh spills from his lips. ] Yeah. That ... sounds more like us.
[ More like what he'd expected, when he'd come here. The way they fit together, he knew it was too good to be true. Too easy, too much like one of his fantasies. ]
I thought it was strange--even though I could tell you were broken and hurting, everything's been so easy between us since I arrived. Like all the old wounds were healed, like we were both okay with forgiving all the ways we've hurt each other. Leaving it in the past so we could be something new.
I knew it was too good to be true, even though I saw glimpses of some of the cost. I wanted it enough that I was willing to let myself believe the fantasy.
I get it now. [ Quiet, a little numb, but certain. ] These past few weeks haven't been easy just because we fit together so naturally. They've been easy because you made them easy. You turned all the edges in on yourself, and kept me from seeing the blood.
[ He steps forward, slow and careful, not wanting to spook him, and crowds Suguru against the wall again. Hands light on Suguru's hips. Gentle, but he won't let himself be pushed away. He tucks his face against the side of Suguru's hair. ] I'm here. I'm yours. I know we're broken, Suguru, but I'm still going to do my best. I know we don't know how to be good to each other. I'm going to try anyway.
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text; un: infinity
megumi only just told me that the cover story job is like an actual job
so i guess i'm a part time astrophysicist now????
at least it's something cool
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And I told you, I don't have one. I didn't listen when LILITH gave me that portion of the welcome, and it's been eighteen months, I've probably been fired.
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or look in a computer
you know what i was thinking
before megumi told me i have an actual job
was that i could be a model
maybe you should be a model
you're gorgeous enough for it
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And I don't really think I want people touching me.
( He's better with non-shamans these days. He doesn't sneer, he doesn't balk. But he still avoids them for the most part. )
I thought about doing odd jobs for someone. ( Silco, crimes. ) But nothing concrete.
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So here he is: meddling. ]
what did you use to wanna be when you grew up?
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( Haha. )
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ugh ok fine i'll nag you more about this later
suguru why don't i have anyone to ask for romantic advice
i tried asking megumi but his suggestions aren't helpful
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Because they haven't seen fit to bring Shoko to us permanently, but she'd probably tell you to shut up, so.
What kind of romantic advice?
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how should i woo someone suguru
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No amount of telling himself not to be jealous has prepared him for the very real fact that he is. )
I suppose if it were me - ( Vicious, vicious displeasure. ) - I'd try to find a way to connect with the person first. All of that stuff doesn't work if there's not a mutual understanding.
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trying to move on to the romantic gestures part
megumi says not to get flowers for a guy
would you want someone to get you flowers?
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But probably not, I'd be sad if they died but I'd also forget them.
Do you know what this person likes?
( Do you care if Geto makes the bird eat them? )
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i don't know how to make stuff romantic
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Have you tried being vocal about it?
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hey
i like you
please date me
please be mine
i guess i'm worried about being ... too much
how would you want someone to woo you, suguru?
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'Last time you gave me a chicken nugget because I whined too much and then I kissed you.'
He deletes it again. )
I like to pretend I'd want it to be grand. But I don't think that's really me either. I don't know. That's not really important.
You're not too much. If anyone tells you that you are you're wrong. You're exactly as you should be.
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Things have been different between them since he got here, and yet they're also somehow the same as they used to be. Satoru's had years to come to terms with his own feelings, and he's strongly suspected since he got here that those feelings are reciprocated.
They kissed. Suguru's jealous. The evidence seems pretty clear.
Have you tried being vocal about it?
He heads down the hall and taps at Suguru's door, leaning against the frame. Even though he could perfectly well let himself in, he wants to make Suguru get up. He wants to make sure Suguru sets aside anything else he's doing or working on, at least for a moment, and making him answer the door seems like the easiest way to ensure that. ]
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Still, he stands aside, lets Satoru in. )
Are you here to shout at me for being sincere without warning?
( A small smile. )
Or am I being enlisted? I don't know what flowers are nice.
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[ Satoru steps into the room, waiting only just until the door closes behind him. Then he grabs Suguru with a hand on his chest, just below his throat, and shoves him up against the nearest wall. Crowding into his space, Satoru braces his other hand against the wall by Suguru's head, radiating playful threat for a moment before he leans in and whispers in Suguru's ear. ]
I'm in love with you.
[ Then he lets go and takes a step back to give Suguru space, expecting him to need to process that. Whatever's going on between them, Suguru's seemed convinced that Satoru doesn't mean it, somehow. He's kept up this careful space between them and Satoru's been trying to respect that, to be satisfied with what he's getting. What they have now is more than Satoru had ever hoped he'd get to have again, and Satoru hasn't wanted to take any chance that might risk it.
But he doesn't know how to proceed beyond this, and his plan for little romantic gestures hasn't led to any ideas or action items he can work with. So he'll just go ahead and take the advice he has gotten. Megumi and Yuji telling him to be careful but honest. Suguru telling him to be vocal and establish mutual understanding.
Confessions it is, then. ]
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Ha.
( A hand lifts, covers his mouth. Eyes slit, watchful. Like this is a fight. Then they slide away, pick a space on the wall. He breathes in deep through his nose, exhales via his mouth. )
You're so different. ( It isn't a criticism, he sounds confused more than anything else. ) I thought you and I were alike, but you feel things so brightly now. I don't know what to do with that.
( It isn't like he'd had to bury his feelings. He'd understood the role he was playing and welcomed it. But now the board has been thrown into the air. He's been so good with giving the others kind advice but now the shoe is firmly on his foot he can't quite bring himself to take it. He thinks he might be panicking, a little bit. )
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Now, Satoru's unsure and Suguru's guarded, so all Satoru knows is what everyone's been telling him: to be careful. Suguru's fragile, and there are scars that Satoru doesn't know about.
You feel things so brightly now. Didn't he always? Satoru's always had emotions that have overwhelmed him. His feelings have always been loud and he expresses himself too intensely.
He can only extrapolate from the way that the boys shine less brightly now. They're all hurting and emotionally scarred, weighed down with new trauma. Satoru himself must be similar, having lost some of that brightness. He'd thought he'd already lost most of it from the trauma he has lived through. It's horrifying to get proof after proof that he has so much more to lose. ]
I've been trying to ease you into the idea. [ Satoru keeps his distance, still allowing Suguru that space so he can breathe and panic. ] I had years to figure out my own emotions, and then when the two of us have ... fit together again so naturally, despite everything. It's so close to everything I've wanted, and I've been pretty sure ... the way you react to me. Your little flares of jealousy. Not half as subtle as you think you are. [ Satoru's handicapped by how he struggles to read emotions, but it's balanced by how well he knows Suguru. ]
And the boys tipped me off. Apparently they've been suspicious that you and I are together.
All that made me pretty sure that you're mine. But you've been defensive and cagey--even for you.
And things are ... messy between us. I know. [ I put you down like a dog in that alleyway. ] I don't expect anything to be easy.
But I'm yours. [ He shrugs. Waits for Suguru to continue processing all this. ]
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( He starts, stops, jaw working as he drills a hole in the wall with his eyes and tries to think of the best way to proceed. )
We weren't together. Not like that. ( How to explain the distinction? They were best friends first. They'd had to work at it, it was still rocky. Sometimes he'd felt like he was bleeding out with the desperation to keep Satoru at his side, terrified he'd lose it all again. He'd been teased about it.
He'd been teased about a lot of things. )
We were sleeping together.
( The dread goes tight. He wants a cigarette. He wants a drink. He wants to go to sleep and ignore everything else. )
I didn't want to tell you because I felt like it's changed, somehow. You're softer. I'm not saying that as any criticism, Satoru, I just didn't want to hurt you and I didn't want to give you the wrong idea. You're my best friend.
( That's what they'd been. )
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Except that something's wrong.
Except that Suguru's saying all this like he's trying to let him down easy.
I didn't want to give you the wrong idea.
A new horrifying possibility rimes frost around his heart and his eyes widen with alarm. He takes a step back, shoulders tightening as he braces himself. ]
Wait--are you not in love with me?
Am I being fucking friendzoned?
[ He doesn't know how to cope with this. A rejection like this is so far out of what he's capable of processing. He is Gojo Satoru. He's the one who's supposed to reject other people. ]
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( His head snaps around so fast he almost cracks something. There is a brief moment where he even seems a little outraged, pale face flaring with strange fury, eyes too wide. )
Shut up.
( It's not the deadly tone of a world renowned curse user. It's boyish, tight and unhappy. ) It almost ruined me, coming back here to find out you were gone. I only kept going because someone's had to protect your legacy, so how can you - ?
( He raises his eyes away, fingers flexing at his side. )
I'm trying to explain. So you don't think it was something else. I'm trying to tell you that we were a mess. That all we had room for was that. That I took anything I was given because I didn't deserve to -.
( He falters again, unhappy. And then, like an exorcising. )
I asked you to kill me four months ago. I was trying to force your hand. I threatened to kill everybody here. And then I slept in your bed every night after because I thought I'd broken you. It's sweet that the children believe in us, Satoru, but we didn't know how to be good to each other.
no subject
A quiet, fractured laugh spills from his lips. ] Yeah. That ... sounds more like us.
[ More like what he'd expected, when he'd come here. The way they fit together, he knew it was too good to be true. Too easy, too much like one of his fantasies. ]
I thought it was strange--even though I could tell you were broken and hurting, everything's been so easy between us since I arrived. Like all the old wounds were healed, like we were both okay with forgiving all the ways we've hurt each other. Leaving it in the past so we could be something new.
I knew it was too good to be true, even though I saw glimpses of some of the cost. I wanted it enough that I was willing to let myself believe the fantasy.
I get it now. [ Quiet, a little numb, but certain. ] These past few weeks haven't been easy just because we fit together so naturally. They've been easy because you made them easy. You turned all the edges in on yourself, and kept me from seeing the blood.
[ He steps forward, slow and careful, not wanting to spook him, and crowds Suguru against the wall again. Hands light on Suguru's hips. Gentle, but he won't let himself be pushed away. He tucks his face against the side of Suguru's hair. ] I'm here. I'm yours. I know we're broken, Suguru, but I'm still going to do my best. I know we don't know how to be good to each other. I'm going to try anyway.
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