You've been through a lot, Yuji-kun. Here, and back home. Most people would have already buckled under that weight long ago. And even if the fight wasn't a big deal in the first place, it's just another stone on top of the pile you're already carrying, no? It's okay to not feel like you are. What's important is that you don't bottle it up.
( Knee flexing as he pushes himself back, lets gravity drop him back down again. )
You don't have to be the strongest all the time. It's not sustainable.
[ But he can be. He's survived so much so he can protect the others, so what's the point of it all if he gives up now? It doesn't matter that it hurts, if it means the others are okay. It's like grandpa said - he's strong, so he should protect and save people, as many as he can.
Everything happened because I ate Sukuna's finger. I brought him back, and then - and everything else happened because of that. If I hadn't eaten the finger, or if they'd executed me right away...
[ The spiral of negative emotions is inside of him, always has been, and he can't help but blame himself, too low and vulnerable to argue against it in his head at the moment. ]
[ Yuji blinks up at him, then frowns, considering. ]
I thought... If I left, I'd have nightmares. That I wanted to help people, that... That maybe I had a curse, too. But the reason I ate it was because Megumi said that it would give me cursed energy, and I thought if I did that, too, then I could be strong. That there would be a way to save everyone.
The strength you sought, it was for the sake of keeping other people alive, no? Whatever was happening, it must have been scary. You stayed, you didn't run. You swallowed a finger to do something good, didn't you?
Looking back at it, I don't think the curse was even that scary.
[ Not after all the other things he's fought. ]
But... Yeah. Megumi was afraid, and I guess I was too, but it was the easiest answer. If I ate the finger, I'd be able to protect him and my classmates. I didn't know anything about Sukuna then.
Whatever happened afterwards, whatever might have been the fallout, you wanted to help. You saw a frightened person, and you hoped to fix it. And, Yuji-kun, just because you were a vessel doesn't mean you are to be held accountable for Sukuna's crimes. If not you, then it could have been someone else. If not you, he might have been taken by a weaker person. Do you really mean to tell me you didn't do everything you could? Because I wouldn't believe it.
( He knows this boy. )
You're not to blame for it. Sukuna is, or the higher ups are, for not outfitting their sorcerers better, or I am, for defecting and upsetting the balance. You understand, don't you? That things will have fallout, but you don't have to be held responsible for every little bit of it.
That's what everyone says. I hear it all the time, about Sukuna, and the Rift, and everything else that happened. Even Higuruma-san said I was innocent, but...
[ He swallows, his hand resting over his chest. ]
I still feel so bad, all the time. And I don't know how to stop it.
You're going to feel bad about it, Yuji. I wish I could tell you that you won't, but it's going to follow you for the rest of your life. But doing this? Telling someone. That's a good thing. It might not feel like it just yet, but some day you'll be able to breathe a little easier. It will hurt less. You just have to be kinder to yourself.
I would get angry at Satoru. ( Maybe a non sequitur, maybe not. He thinks Yuji needs to hear it anyway. ) For not being there. For being on missions. For going somewhere I couldn't follow. It felt like I was drowning and each time he left the water got higher. I didn't even know, back then, what it was I was feeling. Or how to combat it. It festered. It wasn't his fault. But it was hard to ask for things. It still is. I understand that part.
( He offers up a small smile. )
And your emotions don't necessarily have to make sense. Sometimes it's not the root cause that gets you. You've grown up too quicker. That's usually the fate of a jujutsu sorcerer, but for you it's been far more, far faster. Nanami cares about you though, I'm sure he'd listen to you.
It's exactly like that. The weight of emotions, smothering him. He tries to fight against the tidal wave of it, pushing and fighting back, but more and more of it comes and then...
The more he learns about Geto, the more alike they are, and he's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. He thinks back to his friendships, to the fight with Sukuna, and he thinks It'll be lonely without you, Fushiguro, and he understands completely. Just because you're strong doesn't mean you have to do it alone, right?
Right?
Shaking his head, he laughs through his tears. ]
I'm not going to make Nanami feel bad on his birthday, Geto-san. He's already taken care of me enough.
[ The way Yuji feels towards him now is definitely adjacent to how he feels to Nanami, to Gojo, on a growing level. He's not really capable of admitting that, though, and he kicks his foot into the ground below him, frowning.
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[ He frowns, tilting his head to look at the sky. ]
It was my fault. And not my fault. I guess, it was like that...
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Something you think you can't overcome? Or just something that hurts?
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[ He gazes at the sky still, voice soft and quiet. ]
I think, maybe... I'm not?
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( Knee flexing as he pushes himself back, lets gravity drop him back down again. )
You don't have to be the strongest all the time. It's not sustainable.
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[ But he can be. He's survived so much so he can protect the others, so what's the point of it all if he gives up now? It doesn't matter that it hurts, if it means the others are okay. It's like grandpa said - he's strong, so he should protect and save people, as many as he can.
How much did grandpa know...? ]
I am strong, so I should. It's okay to, isn't it?
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( Mild, lacking in judgment. )
Would you judge anyone else for needing a bit of support?
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[ Said almost poutingly.
But it is a good point, and he shakes his head. ]
No, but... It's different.
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Why?
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[ Yuji might be blinking back tears, now, a lead weight in his chest as he breathes in and out. ]
All the bad things that happened... They're my fault.
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( Maybe he should go back in time and have words with people. )
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[ The spiral of negative emotions is inside of him, always has been, and he can't help but blame himself, too low and vulnerable to argue against it in his head at the moment. ]
It's all I can think about. I can't stop.
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Tell me why you ate that first finger, Yuji. What was going through your head, do you remember?
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[ Yuji blinks up at him, then frowns, considering. ]
I thought... If I left, I'd have nightmares. That I wanted to help people, that... That maybe I had a curse, too. But the reason I ate it was because Megumi said that it would give me cursed energy, and I thought if I did that, too, then I could be strong. That there would be a way to save everyone.
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( He knew that, but it needs to be said plain. )
The strength you sought, it was for the sake of keeping other people alive, no? Whatever was happening, it must have been scary. You stayed, you didn't run. You swallowed a finger to do something good, didn't you?
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[ Not after all the other things he's fought. ]
But... Yeah. Megumi was afraid, and I guess I was too, but it was the easiest answer. If I ate the finger, I'd be able to protect him and my classmates. I didn't know anything about Sukuna then.
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( He knows this boy. )
You're not to blame for it. Sukuna is, or the higher ups are, for not outfitting their sorcerers better, or I am, for defecting and upsetting the balance. You understand, don't you? That things will have fallout, but you don't have to be held responsible for every little bit of it.
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[ He swallows, his hand resting over his chest. ]
I still feel so bad, all the time. And I don't know how to stop it.
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You're going to feel bad about it, Yuji. I wish I could tell you that you won't, but it's going to follow you for the rest of your life. But doing this? Telling someone. That's a good thing. It might not feel like it just yet, but some day you'll be able to breathe a little easier. It will hurt less. You just have to be kinder to yourself.
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[ He laughs a little, tears in his eyes. ]
It's so stupid. We had this big fight over Nanami's birthday, and he wouldn't even want me to celebrate it anyway. I was just so... Tired.
[ Tilting his head, he watches Geto, quiet for a moment. ]
I can talk to people, but... It's a lot, isn't it?
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( He offers up a small smile. )
And your emotions don't necessarily have to make sense. Sometimes it's not the root cause that gets you. You've grown up too quicker. That's usually the fate of a jujutsu sorcerer, but for you it's been far more, far faster. Nanami cares about you though, I'm sure he'd listen to you.
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It's exactly like that. The weight of emotions, smothering him. He tries to fight against the tidal wave of it, pushing and fighting back, but more and more of it comes and then...
The more he learns about Geto, the more alike they are, and he's not sure if that's a good or a bad thing. He thinks back to his friendships, to the fight with Sukuna, and he thinks It'll be lonely without you, Fushiguro, and he understands completely. Just because you're strong doesn't mean you have to do it alone, right?
Right?
Shaking his head, he laughs through his tears. ]
I'm not going to make Nanami feel bad on his birthday, Geto-san. He's already taken care of me enough.
[ Not "Nanamin", huh. ]
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( Another hum, he rises to a stand, knees cracking. Oh no, almost thirty. )
Also, I'm notoriously unemployed and a ruthless villain, so if you do need someone to talk to, I'm not going to balk at any of it.
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[ The way Yuji feels towards him now is definitely adjacent to how he feels to Nanami, to Gojo, on a growing level. He's not really capable of admitting that, though, and he kicks his foot into the ground below him, frowning.
He doesn't want to talk to Nanami. No way. ]
What do I do...? If it feels this bad again?
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( As easy as anything. )
We'll do something. We can talk. We can not talk. You can hold all of my questionable groceries for me.
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[ As if it's that easy. Come to Geto, and they'll figure it out. It's almost silly, and he shakes his head. ]
I could carry you and the groceries, Geto-san.
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